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Leaked! Louis Van Gaal’s letter to Santa

Photo courtesy: The Mirror
Photo courtesy: The Mirror
Photo courtesy: The Mirror

Manchester United manager Louis Van Gaal has written a heartfelt note to Santa Claus, which we have in our possession. In it, he laments the lack of understanding the fans and the players have as far as his philosophy is concerned. He also lays down a wishlist for the new year.

The letter, reproduced below, is best read in Van Gaal’s unique accent.

Dear Santa

Hello! Hello! Hello! Hey! Pay attention to the manager!

You have never granted my any wish I have asked in so many years. But this time, I have done my preparations.

I have been a good boy this year. I have taken Manchester United to the 4th position. Normally, that is good. But at Old Trafford, they expect much, much more. Please make the Glazer family and Ed Woodward understand that to win more and play more, what you say, attractive football, the manager needs resources. The manager wants world class players in every position.

But it is difficult. I know you will say money is not cheap. No, no, no, no. You have to listen. I ask you to listen. I know I’m a very good coach. I am who I am. Confident, arrogant, dominant, honest, hard-working and innovative. I have achieved more with Ajax in six years than Barcelona has in one hundred years.

I know, when I join Manchester United, I say ‘I’m not the kind of coach who just goes out and buys players for the sake of it. I’m a coach who wants to – and can – improve players’, but the times have changed.

I am also a human being. But I’m a little bit iron, eh. Iron shield. I know you cannot, most of the times, understand what I am trying to speak.

So what I’m trying to say actually is this: I want better players.

My philosophy is too, what you call, sophisticated for my players. Running is for animals. You need a brain and a ball for football. The fans also are not very supportive, you know. They are booing. Why they are booing?

Wayne looks like he is bored. Memphis, I don’t know what he is doing. Fellaini can only control the ball on his chest – no headers, no control in his feet. My midfield is old. Bastian and Michael are good, but they are too old, you know. Sneiderlin, no Chniderlin, no Scniederlin… Morgan is also still learning. The only good players I have are Mike Smalling and David.

So, basically, I want some good, young players for Manchester United.

I hear Cristiano Ronaldo is not happy in Madrid. Muller is also the same in Munich. I have prayed and prayed for Hummels.

I think it is time you answer my wishes.

Louis

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